Mickey Mantle's Liver

94-67!!!

What do these numbers represent?

No, this isn't an equation one would use to calculate Beau Ellis' IQ.

No, this isn't the equation to figure out how many wine coolers Beau Ellis drinks in an hour.

It isn't even the equation one would use to calculate the age of Beau Ellis' "life partner".

You see, there are beat downs.

There are smack downs.

There are beat and smack downs.

There are smack and beat downs.

And then there is what I did to Beau this weekend.

In short......I made him my bitch.

All week, young Beau sent me emails saying (and I quote)....

"I am on the hottest streak in the league"

and my favorite:

"Only two more days until your fantasy-demise." (sic)

You see, 94 to 67 is the score by which I demolished young Beau's pathetic fantasy football team.  Beau's team is so misguided that it cannot even keep a team name for more than a week.  I would like to suggest Beau change his team name to something more appropriate and in line with his fantasy football teams' losing ways....

The Washington Huskies.

Now go get me some coffee, biotch......

How am I so Smart? This week's fantasy football picks.....

People oftentimes ask me "Football Nerd, is it tough being so smart?"  For most people, the  answer is self-evident: "Yes".  But for me, because I am so smart, it comes naturally.

Evidence?  You want evidence?

Just look at my picks last week.  If you followed my brilliant advice, you probably won your game this week (unless your opponent also followed my picks).  There are a lot of people out there who claim to be Fantasy Football experts, but really there is only one genius - ME!

So here are my picks this week:

QBs:  I like Carson Palmer, Drew Brees and Donovan McNabb.  Palmer plays a weak Cleveland defense, Brees goes up against a Buccaneer defense that is old and is going to be focusing on McAllister and Bush, and McNabb plays against a Washington defense that has a good secondary, but the 'Skins front seven are suspect, so I expect McNabb to have all day to throw.

One Week Stinker ALERT!  I would stay away from Vince Young.  I know he has had success against the Colts in the past, but you can bet the Colts are going to have someone spying Young, making Young beat the Colts with his arm, not his legs.

RBs:  Steven Jackson plays against a 49ers defense that gave up 92 rushing yards to Edge  (and the Arizona O-Line isn't exactly 'stout').  Yes, I know O-Pace is out, but the four other guys on the Rams O-Line will manhandle the Niners front line (Although Patrick Willis is a beast, and I suspect Jackson is going to get to know Willis pretty well). 

Shaun Alexander should have a good day against a weak Cardinal front seven; Rudi Johnson will riddle the Browns defense.

WRs/TEs:  I see any WR playing for the Bengals having a good day.  But I also suspect that Braylon Edwards is going to post good numbers.  Derek Anderson has shown that Edwards is his favorite target, so expect Edwards to have a good day.  I also like rookie Calvin Johnson and Javon Walker to have big days against the Vikings and the Raiders, respectively.

One-Week WR Stinker Alert!  RANDY MOSS - If prior performance is any indication of future results, we know that Moss mails it in in games following games where he had a big day.  I expect the Patriots to use Stallworth and Welker far more in their offense this week, using Moss as a decoy.

Ks:  Nate Kaeding and Grabtowski (whatever that guy's name is at New England).  I expect the San Diego/New England game to be a battle of field goals.  Also, expect Jason Elam and Matt Stover to post great numbers.

DEFs:  Pittsburgh.  I think Pittsburgh is going to take the Bills out to the woodshed, so-to-speak.  This game could get ugly for the Bills early.  Also, I expect the Eagles D and the Bears D to post big, big numbers as well.

I am back...and Nerdier than EVER!!!!!!

Hi everyone!  Today is the first day of school, I am soooooo excited.  I cannot wait to see  the  new computers in the computer lab.  Me and my friend Rusty are going to try to hack into MTV's website today and see if we can find naked pictures of Kelly Anne from the Real World.  She is soooo beautiful, I write to her everyday and post on her blog.  I hope that I get to meet her someday.

I am sorry, I am getting sooooo off topic.  You come to me for advice about your fantasy football picks each week.  You know, which players you should start, which players you should sit.  You probably don't want my advice on women.

Well, I had a pretty eventful summer, I hope you did too.  First, I went to computer camp with some of my buddies from the Chess Club.  Pradeep, who is our exchange student from Pakistan, brought a bunch of Nyquil (on account of his allergies) and four of us drank the whole bottle one night and we were soooo drunk!  I am pretty sure that I hooked up with one of the camp counselors because the next day she said that I passed out before she could get me to bed. SCORE!

Anyway, like I said, today is the first day of school.  I am a junior now, although I should h ave graduated two years ago at age 14 like Mike Tilort and Neji Russman, those friggin show offs!  They think they are soooo smart just because they graduated early and are already working on their degrees in thermo-nuclear dynamics at MIT.  I bet they are getting all the chicks.

So, my mom took me out clothes shopping yesterday.  This is the first year that I really cared what I wear.  I wanted to make sure that I look slick for my first day of school, and I think I look radical!  I don't know why I care about my clothes now, but I think it has something to do with puberty and the hair growing on my privates.

When the first day of school rolls around, I know it is time for me to once again show off my considerable intelligence and superior intellect and help you win some money in your fantasy football league.  So here are my Start'em/ Sit'ems for Week 1:

Quarterback

Start 'Em: Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Marc Bulger.  There are some real turds for first games this weekend, so I would go with these three as your safest picks.  I would, however, look to Matt Schaub this weekend to have a big first weekend.

Sit 'Em: Jay Cutler.  He is making his first start in a first game of the season.  He has to travel to Buffalo, which is a tough place to play, against a good defense.  Oh yeah, I wouldn't start Byron Leftwich either on account of the fact he got cut the other day.

Running Back

Start 'Em:  LT (Big shocker, I know), Steven Jackson (another big shocker, I know) and Adrian Peterson.  Peterson isn't going to start for the Vikes, but he is going to see significant playing time.  This may be the only game this year that Peterson does not start, I expect him to be big for the Vikes against Atlanta.

Sit 'Em:  Any running back on the Raiders.  The Raiders stink, they have no offensive line (I could block better than them) and they have a gimpy quarterback who has yet to prove that he is back at 100%.  That means there is a new name for a Raider running back: target.

Wide Receiver/Tight End: 

Start 'Em:  Terrell Owens, Randy Moss and Chris Chambers.  I expect T.O. and Romo to abuse the Giants for at least one score.  Moss will be back on the field in his first game as a Patriot and will show everyone why the Pats traded for him.  And Chambers, well, he is on my fantasy team and I just need him to do well.

Sit Em':  Darrell Jackson.  He Sucks.

Kicker:

Start 'Em:  David Akers.  I expect that Philly will have a bunch of red zone opportunities against a weak Packer defense.  Which means happy days for Akers.

Sit 'Em:  Sebastian Janikowski.  He can't score if the Raiders offense doesn't advance the ball past midfield.  Which the Raiders offense will not do.

Defense

Start 'Em:  San Diego.  They are playing the Bears and Rex Grossman.  Grossman would make me look like a good cornerback.  I am pretty sure Grossman's first words were "interception".

Sit 'Em:  Cleveland.  I have a bad feeling that Cleveland's defense is going to be abused by the Pittsburgh offense, which is a sentence I never thought I would write.

So there you have it.  My picks for the week.....

Oh wait, one other pick.  My UPSET OF THE WEEK:

Buffalo over Denver.......

My Week 14 Picks

OK, some of you may think that I missed last week's games.  I didn't, you just couldn't find my picks on this website.  I got my game of the week wrong (Washington beating Atlanta....but two weeks ago I picked Buffalo to beat Jacksonville!) - but I did pick Delhomme, Bush, Dillon, Housmanzedah, Gates, and the Chicago DEF.....the other players I picked last week are irrelevant.

So, on to this week's picks:

QBs: Derek Anderson - That's right, THE Derek Anderson.  And that guy who plays QB for Indianapolis...ole What's-His-Name

RBs:  Shaun Alexander, Marion Barber, and Steven Jackson

WRs:  Michael Jenkins, Santonio Holmes, Chad's Johnson, Antonio Gates, Winslow Jr.

Ks - Carney and Gould

DEFs - Chicago and Seattle

And my rock-solid-pick-o-da-week:

New Orleans beats Dallas!

So you want to know where I was?

Ok, Ok.  For those of you who rely upon my weekly picks, sorry I missed last week.  You see, I was waiting in line for the Playstation III.  I already have the Xbox and the Xbox  360, so I wanted to get the PIII to round out my collection.  As you can see from the picture, I was first in line, which means I got the best Playstation III!  The rest of the Trillson High Chess Club can just EAT MY SHORTS!!!!!

But I digress.  Let's review the week 10 picks.....

QBs - Brady (11), Manning (9) and Alex Smith (3) - Not horrible, but nothing to write home about

RBs - Deuce (16), Larry's Johnson (10) were good picks, and Kevin Jones (4) pretty much sucked.

WRs/TEs - Chad's Johnson (27) was a brilliant pick by me....er, uh I mean my cousin Bernal....Hines Ward (10) and Javon Walker (9) were decent picks, and Javon Walker and Tony Gonzales (3 and 4 respectively) just plain suck.

Ks - Shayne Graham (10) is a good pick, but Jason Hanson (5) and Jason Elam (4) were bad picks.  I think I am going to institute another rule.  Never pick a kicker named Jason.

DEFs - Jacksonville (8), Patriots (7) and the Chefs (5) all sucked.

So here are my picks for Week 12.  And as an added Thanksgiving Bonus, I will let you in on the reasons why I am recommending these players start.....behold, the mind of a genius!

QBs - Phillip Rivers - He is playing the Raiders and the Raiders suck
Carson Palmer - He is playing against the Browns, and the Browns suck.
Tony Romo - He is playing against Tampon Bay, and the Bucs suck.

RBs - Reggie Bush - I like Bush.  Bush does not suck.  Plus, the Saints are playing the Falcons, who couldn't stop me if I were running the ball.  Finally, the Falcons suck.
Tiki Barber - Will you hurry up and retire already?  Knowing that he won't be around this year, Tom Coughlin is going to get every last yard out of Tiki, if it means running his legs off.
Shaun Alexander - What is it they say about Blind Squirrels?  Even they find a nut once in a while.  Alexander's nuts are the Green Bay defense - and Green Bay sucks.

WRs/TEs - Terrell Owens - I hate T.O.  And thank god he is playing on Thanksgiving, at least his family gets Thanksgiving off from this jackass.
Marvin Harrison - Best receiver in football - period!  He does not suck.  If you disagree with me, you must be one of those dumb people who bought a Nintendo Wii
Antonio Gates - The Chargers are playing the Raiders.  See Phillip Rivers, above.
Bernard Berrian - Chicago plays New England, and the Pats don't have anyone that could cover me, let alone Berrian.

Ks - Rackers - with a name like 'Rackers', how could you not start him?
Joe Nedney - The Niners playing the lambs in St. Louis, not a problem.  Chip shots for Nedney.....Problem.

Defs - Giants - I don't know who they are playing, so this one is a total guess.
Miami - Miami is playing Detroit which is like USC playing Oregon State.  Detroit doesn't have a chance in the world.

AND MY ROCK SOLID PICK-O-DA-WEEK:

Buffalo will beat Jacksonville.

Sorry I missed a Week

Ok, Ok, I know I missed last week.  For those of you who depend on my weekly predictions in order to survive your fantasy football league, I am sorry.  Last week was the National Science-o-Rama in Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Did you know they let 17 year olds buy mercury-plated transistor capacitors in Pennsylvania!  That state is sooooo cool.  They know how to party lock rock stars there.  I brought a bunch of "banned" items back to Oregon.  I am going to have the coolest, most modded Xbox 360 ever!

Ok, enough about that.  My cousin Bernal was supposed to fill in for me while I was gone.  There is a picture of him on the right.  He thinks he is sooooo cool, but he is such a dork.  He is going to be sooo jealous when he sees what I brought back from Pennsylvania, but because he screwed up, no computer parts for him!

So here are my picks this week...

QBs: P. Manning, Brady, and Alex Smith

RBs: Deuce, Kevin Jones and Larry's Johnson

WRs/TEs:  Chad's Johnson, Hines Ward, Tony Gonzalez, Anquan Boldin and Javon Walker

Ks:  Jason Elam (his leg may fall off form all the scoring Denver does), Jason Hanson and Shayne Graham

DEFs:  Kansas City, Patriots, and Jacksonville

And my Rock-Solid-Pick-o-Da-Week:

Tampa Bay beats Carolina

Week 7 Recap and Week 8 Start 'Em....

Hopefully you realized last week that my start 'em list was a little different, and I was advising you on who NOT to start.  If you didn't catch that last week, well, it is not my fault you can't read because you dropped out of school in the fourth grade to live in a trailer park and catch grasshoppers.

Here is a recap of my picks that you were not supposed to follow:

QB: Eli Manning (11), Plummer (8) and Hasselbeck (7 and one owwwie)

RBs: Kevin Jones (13), Edge (3) and Willie Parker (1)

WRs/TEs: Reggie Brown (10), Jeremy Shockey (7), Steve Smith (6), Anquan Boldin (4) and Greg Jennings (1)

Ks: Rackers (9), Reed (7) and Kasay (2)

DEFs: Green Bay (20), Denver (19) and Philly (6)

I suspect many of you - who are not as smart as me -- could not figure out that I was  hoping YOU WOULD NOT follow my picks last week.  You see, I had encrypted in last week's picks a message that would have told you the REAL picks.  On my computer (pictured left) I used a semi-knophle Hyper-transmorgraphy encryptian mechanism to hide the message.  If you don't know what all of that is, it is because you are not as smart as me.

OK, it is the time you have all been waiting for.....

MY FANTASY FOOTBALL PICKS OF THE WEEK!

QBs:  McNabb, Pennington and Delhomme

RBs: Edge, Larry Johnson, Thomas Jones, LT

WRs/TEs: Muhammed, Steve Smith, Antonio Gates, Hines Ward

Ks: Feely, The New England Kicker, and Shayne Graham

DEFs: Chicago, Jets, and New Orleans

And my CAN'T MISS PICK O THE WEEK:

Browns beat the Jets.....

Take a look at my Halloween costume, do you like?

The FFN's (Fantasy Football Nerd's) Week 7 Picks

OK, if you listened to me last week, you are welcome.  You should have listened to me, I have an IQ of 154, which means I am smarter than you.  I told you the Bucs would beat the Bengals, and these were my Start 'Em picks for Week 6:

QBs: Rivers (17), Palmer(10) and Carr (2)

RBs: LT (30), Steven Jackson (11), and Tiki Barber (11)

WRs: Deion Branch (17), Housh (11), Chambers (9) and Javon Walker (5)

Ks: Josh Brown (15), Stover (3) and the guy who kicks for New England (ok, they didn't play, oops)

DEF: Da Bears (25) and Da Chargers (15)

Remember, I am smarter than you, so you better play these guys....

QBs: Plummer, Hasselbeck and E. Manning

RBs: Kevin Jones, Willie Parker and Edge

WRs/TEs: Boldin, Reggie Brown, Steve Smith, Shockey and Greg Jennings

Ks: Kasay, Rackers and Jeff Reed

DEFs: Denver, Green Bay and Philly

and my Weak-Ass-Girlie-Man pick of the week:

Buffalo beats New England

Remember, I am smarter than you.......

My week 6 Picks

OK, we shall not speak of my week 5 picks.  I have brewed a potion of invisibility and have made last week's picks disappear....they never happened....here are my picks this week...

QBs - Carr, Palmer and Rivers

RBs: LT, Steven Jackson, Tiki Barber

WRs - Housh, Deion Branch, Chambers and Javon Walker

Ks - Stover, Josh Brown and the guy who kicks for New England

DEF - Chicago and San Diego

And my Weak-Ass-Sure-To-Fail Pick-o-da-Week:

Bucs beat the Bengals.........

Week 5 - The Fantasy Footbal Nerd's picks

Take a look at my costume for Halloween.  I am going to be a Union Soldier from the Civil War!  How cool is that!  A lot of the guys in school are going as football players,  baseball players, Justin Timberlake, or Congressman Mark Foley.  Not me!  I am going as a soldier from the greatest of all wars!  Plus, women dig men in uniform.  This is going to be so great!

It is that time of the week again.  Time to dole out my "Start 'Em/Sit 'Em" fantasy football players as well as my Iron-Clad-Rock-Solid-Kryptonite-Tight lock-o-da-week.  By the way, for the record, I am not a nerd, I am simply dedicated to fantasy games like D&D and Fantasy Sports, and I happen to have a higher than average IQ (ok, really, my IQ blows everyone else's away!)

So here are my picks:

QBs: Delhomme, McNair and Alex Smith

RBs: Steven Jackson, Chester Taylor and Larry Johnson

WRs/TEs: Steve Smith, Marvin Harrison, T.O. (really this time), Todd Heap and Bernard Berrian

Ks: Stover, Elam and Feely

DEFs: Pittsburgh and New England

And my Iron-Clad-Rock-Solid-Kryptonite-Tight Pick-O-Da-Week:

The J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets will beat the Jaguars.....